Readers will no doubt be intrigued as to how such an experienced international traveller such as Mol? could make such a grievous error. Unfortunately for Molly, his problems stemmed from a couple of disastrous decisions in his travel preparations.

Surely it couldn?t have been an excuse for a return plane trip to break Boonie?s all time record for the most stubbies of beer consumed on an international flight? Whilst we?ll never know whether Molly requested an in-flight bar-tab, there?s not much point attempting to break the record. As far as I know, Boonie never even toured the sublime continent.

A simple trip to his local US Consulate in Melbourne would have sufficed. I decided to conduct an investigation retracing the steps Molly probably failed to take.

If you can read between the satire - in all seriousness, this is what I found.

The US Consulate in Melbourne is based in St Kilda Rd. Any number of trams will get you there. However to find it you either need a team of WMD inspectors from the United Nations or Richard Butler. I recommend Butler ? for Aussies, anyway. Not only is he geographically closer but he also worked for the UN. He knows better than anyone how tricky US government policy is to find let alone nail down.

Butler, if he were so inclined, would then direct you to a building that has absolutely nothing about it that identifies it as property of the US Government. Nothing. Inside or out.

Out front at reception you will find Spiro the Security Guard from St Albans. A very friendly chap, he knows all there is to know about US Visa applications and metal detectors.

Donald Rumsfeld, U.S. Secretary of Defence, affectionately refers to US Visas and metal detectors as known knowns. Whether he knows we now know where the known knowns are is unknown. That much is known. Now although you now know what we know; he doesn?t know you know. For now anyway.

He would affectionately term these facts as an unknown unknown. If he knew.

I left the building thoroughly confused having neither spoken to nor seeing a real live American. We can only speculate as to whether our experience runs somewhat parallel to that of those US troops visiting Afghanistan looking for that Bin Laden character. Maybe they could use Spiro?

So much for the forces of freedom proudly flying the flag of whatever flag it is they fly these days. It?s a bit like Bruce Willis being an action hero and always traveling by limousine instead of flying. For all I know, it could have been the set for a Mel Brooks movie but for the fact Gene Wilder was not out front cow - punchin' horses for cheap laughs.

Molly?s second grave error was to use Bug Bunny Travel Inc. Molly has clearly watched too many looney toons on CNN. Perhaps Molly, spooked by the many recent travel alerts, really did believe Bugs when he recommended burrowing all the way to the Never Never Land Ranch.

In future Mol?, always remember your known knowns - it?s a left turn at Albuquerque.

News Link: Meldrum handcuffed, The Age, 21 January 2004

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Boonie?s Beer Record - The Facts

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