As reported by Nekesa Mumbi Moody (we kid you not), Jackson may have "sparked a federal investigation and set new standards for raunch in an entertainment industry that seems to be setting new highs - or lows - every day".

Always on the lookout to gazump any half decent cockamamie hunt for reds-under-the-bed, we will be submitting the following to any U.S. tax-payer funded investigation of the incident.

We, your humble Editors, do humbly submit that: Jackson callously used an unwitting Timberlake to wit,

• Jackson knowingly choreographed a dance routine of an incendiary nature to deflect world media attention from her brother's monkey Bubbles whose endorsement contracts were beginning to look a wee bit shaky.

• With flagging sales in Khazakstan, Jackson took initiative to offset the slow-burning marketing hype caused by ex-Nsync member Lance Bass.

  In 2002 the singer's profile rose to spectacular new heights when ordered to leave the Star City cosmonaut training ground after failing to pay for the trip. Yuri Nikiforov, general director of Atlas Airspace later confirmed Bass had returned to the center outside Moscow.

  Bass' apology, roughly translated, was: "Sorry if I offended anyone by ripping off the oxygen panel... I suppose that is just a space station malfunction."

• Jackson is allegedly on the secret payroll of U.S. Federal Reserve Governor, Alan Greenspan. Today heralds a crucial meeting of the Reserve Bank of Australia. The Australian dollar opened weaker across the board, as traders squared up their long positions ahead of the meeting on Tuesday morning (Australian Financial Powerhouse time).

  The local currency was also weighed down by a stronger United States dollar overnight, which gained ground as overseas media investors rushed to purchase Fox Sports stock in the wake of heavy demand for video replay material of the Jackson incident.

  Economists have labeled this one-off economic phenonomen 'The Jackson Curve'. Tricky Al Greenspan is getting wilier by the minute in his old age. Something we can all attest to no doubt.

Also stepping out of the closet this week was former Supermodel, Rachel Hunter, who will be posing for Playboy.

A friend revealed, "She will be going topless but refuses to be completely nude".

Sounds like another wardrobe malfunction to us.

NEWS LINK: A storm in a c-cup? Full report by Nekesa Mumbi Moody

Kazakhstan - Janet Jackson style

Rachel Hunter's $1.8 Million Playboy Deal

Lance Bass - To Mir With Luv

$A lower after rising ratings of Jackson breast